So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
