Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
