Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
