I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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