I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize