I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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