If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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