You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
