I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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