Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
