My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
How does one acquire holy water?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize