I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
