You can't motorboat a personality
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I think I just sharted jello shots
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
