All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
