Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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