Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
