I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
