Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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