What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
