East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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