One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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