i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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