I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
