did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
