her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
