if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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