I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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