Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
