she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
