i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
