Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
