i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
