the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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