I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
