Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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