I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
