Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
