one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
