P.S. I can't hear my feet
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
