wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
