This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
