i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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