If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
