...so i touched it.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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