Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
