And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
