Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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