the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You can't just leave with hair like that
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
