We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
