If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
