I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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