I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I need a beard to bite.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
