we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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