I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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