remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
