How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
