just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
