I only kidnapped one of them. chill
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize