Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
