the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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