I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
