there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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