Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize