Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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