In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
