Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
