I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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