Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I could fuck to npr.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Randomize
