using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
